Time is life.
Yesterday morning as I opened my meditation app (I use Insight Timer) and noticed the quote of the day, I was struck by the relevance to my life. It was one of those moments that glistens, as if to say, Pay attention to this one, you’re going to need it later. The quote stated that, “Time is not just money, it is life.” And as I always do, I thought about that concept for about 3 seconds, went on to meditating for my usual 10-15 minutes, and then went about my day.
As it would have it, the day brought about some long-awaited clarity around one of my favorite themes: time.
Recently I have been feeling a vague sense of emptiness in my life and relationships. On the surface, things are fulfilling, nourishing, and I have a general sense that life is on the “right track.” Though even as things feel aligned, there is a quality to living that has felt dull, blunted, and grey.
I understand some of the recent life events that could cause this - the death of a parent, developmental changes as I transition from young adulthood into adulthood, being more embodied (which tends to dull the excitement of youth, which tends to be felt as more free-floating and untethered), beginning a career focused on helping others, etc. These would all be valid origins of this feeling and yet, none of them seem to resonate as the root cause.
Presence is something I value tremendously. Growing up in a family system that was not capable of offering me adequate positive, focused attention impacted me in ways I continue discovering. One of the ways this shaped me, is in my deep need for presence from others and from myself. It is the loving, connected gaze of a present adult directing their focused attention towards me that my younger parts crave. And they protest readily and heartily when it is not available and/or prioritized.
If there is one primary, foundational reason I became a therapist, it is because I know how valuable alive, attuned, focused, and *nonjudgmental presence is to a person’s growth and development. And what I learned yesterday for what seemed like the hundredth time, is that our full attention is only available in the present moment. And, that we have only a finite number of moments to give our attention to and experience. This may sound philosophical, and in some ways it is. But it is also extremely practical: Choose how you’d like to invest your time and attention, because it is valuable and precious.
In this series of illuminations, I recognized that the quality of time and attention I had been spending with myself and with other people was ultimately what was the source of my emptiness. The shift into adulthood presents a tremendous challenge, which is to be more the creator of our experiencing, instead of being passive recipients in a life we’re a lot less in control of. As I became more aware of my attention, I can much more effectively influence my quality of experiencing my life the ways I wish to experience it.
So I ask you to consider — How will you choose to focus your attention today? What will you choose to do with the precious time you’re afforded? These questions when held with care and sincerity, have the power to change the course of a moment, a day, and a life. I hope the fruits born from your asking them of yourself are as beautiful and nourishing for you as they have been for me.
